When I was twelve years old, my dad moved out. Seems he'd been having an affair for six months behind my mother's back. I came home from school that day and waited for him to get home. And waited. Then I asked mum where he was. She sat my brother and I down and told us.
After about a week of crying, I started to pull myself together and breath again. It took a month or two for me to agree to see him again. My brother on the other hand, took longer to come around to including Dad in his life again.
Long story short, we kept in contact. Over the last four or five years, we haven't spoken as often. Life, it seems, gets in the way. We would go weeks, if not months, without talking. But when we did all was good.
Then Dad got himself a girlfriend. In China. Turns out they met online. Not that I have a problem with that form of meeting people - my girlfriend and I met online, and she moved from Brisbane to be with me.
Thing is, Dad's made a number of trips to China to see her, without ever actually having told me that they are together. Of course, it doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure it out, as she's in every second photo he's taken while other there. So the rumours haev been flying aruond Mum's side of the family, about him and her, and what future they'd have.
Then my phone rang a few weeks ago now - it was Mum. She wanted to know if Dad had spoken to me about his "news".
...No he hadn't. Turns out he'd gone and gotten married to this woman on his last trip to China. That he'd returned three weeks earlier. He'd told my brother - even went to see him to tell him. But he hadn't bothered to tell me. Even now, some six or seven weeks after he returned, he still hasn't picked up the phone, or stopped by, to tell me the news.
Which leads me to believe that I really don't rank all that highly on his priority list anymore. I'm 31 years old, so I'm not expecting my world to come crumbling to my feet anytime soon as a result. But to think that the man I looked up to for so long, even after he betrayed his family, and walked away from them, can think so little of me to leave it up to the rest of the family to tell me this kind of news, is still beyond belief to me.
When I was little, I loved my Dad. I wanted to be just like him, in every facet. I wanted to be strong, loving, caring, helpful, funny. I wanted to have a family and be a good Dad. After he walked out, I still loved him. I still looked forward to our time together, even after he'd stood us up. I still enjoyed hearing his voice on the phone, and talking about all things useless and irrelevant. As I grew older and mroe independent, I still cared about him and looked up to him. Even after all the things he never told me, but that I heard from my brother. The houses he'd bought, the trips he was going on, the fact that he and his (now) ex had split up. I was never told a thing. He just assumed that my brother would tell me.
So here I am, sitting here looking upon the awful realisation that he doesn't give a shit about my feelings anymore. It's a pretty cold slap in the face to be wearing, let me tell you. To know that your own father can't be fucked to pick up the phone and chat, or ask me to go have a coffee and talk it over, is pretty ordinary.
Obviously, I've had a little while now to come to grips with it, but I haven't fully yet. I don't know if I ever will completely get used to it. I think more than anything, this will drive an unmovalbe wedge between us. Why should I fucking bother trying to stay in contact with him, when he can't even tell me that he's gone and gotten married again, for fuck's sake?
My girlfriend (bless her cotton socks) keeps telling me that I should say something to him, that I should ring him and ask him why he's never told me. I know I could do that, and I was going to at one point. But honestly, what's the point? His actions - or lack thereof - have spoken louder than any words could. I'm hurt, I'm feeling left out, but I'm also feeling that it's the turning point in our relationship. If he wants to exlude me form his life, then so be it. He'll be the one to miss out.
After about a week of crying, I started to pull myself together and breath again. It took a month or two for me to agree to see him again. My brother on the other hand, took longer to come around to including Dad in his life again.
Long story short, we kept in contact. Over the last four or five years, we haven't spoken as often. Life, it seems, gets in the way. We would go weeks, if not months, without talking. But when we did all was good.
Then Dad got himself a girlfriend. In China. Turns out they met online. Not that I have a problem with that form of meeting people - my girlfriend and I met online, and she moved from Brisbane to be with me.
Thing is, Dad's made a number of trips to China to see her, without ever actually having told me that they are together. Of course, it doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure it out, as she's in every second photo he's taken while other there. So the rumours haev been flying aruond Mum's side of the family, about him and her, and what future they'd have.
Then my phone rang a few weeks ago now - it was Mum. She wanted to know if Dad had spoken to me about his "news".
...No he hadn't. Turns out he'd gone and gotten married to this woman on his last trip to China. That he'd returned three weeks earlier. He'd told my brother - even went to see him to tell him. But he hadn't bothered to tell me. Even now, some six or seven weeks after he returned, he still hasn't picked up the phone, or stopped by, to tell me the news.
Which leads me to believe that I really don't rank all that highly on his priority list anymore. I'm 31 years old, so I'm not expecting my world to come crumbling to my feet anytime soon as a result. But to think that the man I looked up to for so long, even after he betrayed his family, and walked away from them, can think so little of me to leave it up to the rest of the family to tell me this kind of news, is still beyond belief to me.
When I was little, I loved my Dad. I wanted to be just like him, in every facet. I wanted to be strong, loving, caring, helpful, funny. I wanted to have a family and be a good Dad. After he walked out, I still loved him. I still looked forward to our time together, even after he'd stood us up. I still enjoyed hearing his voice on the phone, and talking about all things useless and irrelevant. As I grew older and mroe independent, I still cared about him and looked up to him. Even after all the things he never told me, but that I heard from my brother. The houses he'd bought, the trips he was going on, the fact that he and his (now) ex had split up. I was never told a thing. He just assumed that my brother would tell me.
So here I am, sitting here looking upon the awful realisation that he doesn't give a shit about my feelings anymore. It's a pretty cold slap in the face to be wearing, let me tell you. To know that your own father can't be fucked to pick up the phone and chat, or ask me to go have a coffee and talk it over, is pretty ordinary.
Obviously, I've had a little while now to come to grips with it, but I haven't fully yet. I don't know if I ever will completely get used to it. I think more than anything, this will drive an unmovalbe wedge between us. Why should I fucking bother trying to stay in contact with him, when he can't even tell me that he's gone and gotten married again, for fuck's sake?
My girlfriend (bless her cotton socks) keeps telling me that I should say something to him, that I should ring him and ask him why he's never told me. I know I could do that, and I was going to at one point. But honestly, what's the point? His actions - or lack thereof - have spoken louder than any words could. I'm hurt, I'm feeling left out, but I'm also feeling that it's the turning point in our relationship. If he wants to exlude me form his life, then so be it. He'll be the one to miss out.
1 comment:
Dads suck. I was like you. Only thing I could do to turn it around was be the greatest Father in the world. That would be the father that I always wanted. Fills the hole in your heart.
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